In the Quiet of this War

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In the Quiet of this War

Out of all the people we met in our lives we tend to discover a lot of things about us. They are good avenues to get to know you and to unleash the real you. Why do we need them?

God ensures us that we will never be alone and we meet others to either make or break us. I was betrayed several times, but one thing I’m fearful for,  when it happens over and over again by different people through different situations. Though, I know how to walk away from it but I’m always caught stuck at the wreck havoc of emotional rip current of life. “Even my close friend in whom I trusted, Who ate my bread, Has lifted up his heel against me.” Psalm 41:9

One thing I learnt about myself in dealing with other people, is that a lot of them misunderstood my actions and thoughts. This situations would leave questions in my mind such as; Why do I still need to bother myself thinking about others? or Why do I need to consider other people’s opinion? Well, It is an innate response as we think about our ideal self rather than our real self. Most of the time I tend to compare myself with the successes and achievements of other people, I tend to follow other people’s path and disregard my own. I forgot that each of us has different life timelines yet why do I still depend on them at times.

WOlvesRecently, as I went out my comfort zone,  I learnt to view the world as a dark forest with pack of wolves. Wolves who likes to threaten and stab you behind. In the dark night, they like to hunt people who are hopeless, depress and tend to disregard your feelings in the middle of the chaotic world we live in. They are selfish and likes to give and take all the negativity of this world. I met a lot of this people and it scares me meeting more of them. I wonder how do they survive eating each others flesh and deceiving each other. Showing most of themselves in social medias, pretending to be fine, be an authoritative as they could and also loves to add fuel in the fire which really causes a lot of inconvenience and chaos to anyone. But wait!! Everyday I am getting too focus on the people and scary wolves around me yet I forgot about myself.

As the master of our life says “The earth is the LORD’S, and all it contains, The world, and those who dwell in it.” Psalm 24:1.  We don’t own anything in this world and also we don’t owe the world. Whatever we do and say, we are responsible of our own actions. Though I was lost yet found, I know in my heart the Shepherd won’t just leave me with this pack of wolves. Sometimes ignoring, disregarding and neglecting others would be helpful to ease our worries away. Being a people’s person I learnt to restrain from opening myself to others. I was reminded with the verse Psalm 118:8

“It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man”

Trusting other people and giving your 101% to them won’t help resolve any of our problems, it would rather add worries and distress to our lives. Learning from dealing with people made a big difference in my life. For others who misunderstood me, I just can’t be bothered anymore. The world is full of wolves pretending to be a sheep in the eyes of the Shepherd yet the fact that we cannot deceive him comforts me.

Funny how I ended up learning  things while I was surrounded with wolves. I am learning to stay connected and maintain a good relationship with my Shepherd wherever I go. Amidst this life trouble and trust issues it really matters on how and when we cry for help whenever we are lost. I am learning to surrender everything whatever it may be and focus on strengthening my faith towards him. Even if I’m lost I know he will go looking for me wherever it may.be as long as I put my trust in him. My heart is now at peace knowing that his promises and ways are true..

“For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.”

1 Peter 2:25

Why bother to think about others? If the Lord thinks about YOU!

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How Do I Unlove You?

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The season has come to meet you unexpectedly. 

A feeling of joy and security which I never expect it to be.

Our conversations which I always pray that it wont end.

That everyday smile that left a mark to my face.

Since then I never get an assurance of having you

but every time I talk to you I wish it could come true.

Your listening ears and advice that you give,

makes my heart to be secured but at ease.

I didn’t expect that I’ll be feeling this.

Looking at my past full of heartache and tears.

You give me strength when I am down,

I like the feeling of you being my one.

I put a heart cause I know my heart

I take it out cause you wonder why?

I didn’t want you to feel insecure

I just want your attention that needs to be a cure.

I know my limits, you draw the line

everytime we’re together, having you crosses my mind.

Since when did I start loving you?

All I know I just want to get through.

The pain that life is throwing me.

You were with me in battles I’m unto.

For a month I never wish to stop

the feeling of happiness that I wish to grow up.

Just to let you know,

I never felt this way before.

Someone whose eyes and time are only on me.

who answers my questions unexpectedly,

who knows my past and never ask why,

who redirect my thought and makes me happy.

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TO YOU,

who I wish to be come true.

when did I start loving you?

You asked me not to wait,

and asking you not to hate.

How do I unlove you?

if everyday I’m longing for you?

I know you feel the same way.

I guess it’s not just the right time for us to say.

But missing you makes me wanna stay.

I’ll just hold on to the season that I pray.

Hope its not a goodbye,

but a time for us to grow and move.

I’ll never expect any return,

but seriously,

How do I unlove you?

Battle within Me

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Someone once told me “Hobby mo ba umiyak?” It’s a struggle to understand what is going on in my life. Sa bawat taong nakikita ko, bakit kaya lagi kong iniisip kung anong iniisip nila. At sa bawat nangyayari sa buhay ko lagi akong nagiisip ng solusyon. Iisipin ko kung anong sinasabi, anong nafefeel nila about me, or anong mangyayari sakin. Pero,

Bakit? 

Sa dami ng taong nakakasalamuha ko araw araw halos lahat di naman ganito. Nabibigyan nila ng simpleng solusyon ang mga bagay na komplikado. Nagagawa nilang maging masaya kahit pa ang daming problema na dumarating sa kanila.

Napatanong ako “Am I just overthinking?, “Maybe I just can’t handle the pressure?”, “Am I just complicating things”, “Baka wala naman talaga akong problema, iniisip ko lang”. Ayun na nga! Nasa isip ko ang problema. I know that thoughts become things. However, something going on in my mind which I can’t explain. It’s killing me. I tried going to church but it just disappoints me. I tried talking to a friend but I ended up solving it my own. Then I figured out.

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Siguro kaya ganito ako, kasi marami akong tanong nung bata  ako na hindi masagot. Lahat un kailangan kong sagutin magisa. Siguro kaya ako ganito kasi, may sugat na hindi pa nahilom pero hinayaan lang. Siguro kasi akala ko masaya ako at may happy ending.. Siguroo…

Others know me as a very expressive person. Yung ba na kahit di mo tinatanong kinukwento at sinasabi ko. Pero ngayon narealize ko hindi ata ako yun. Yes! I’m very emotional and deep inside me is dying. Pretending to be strong but I’m weak inside. Yung bang iiyak ako dahil mabigat na. Hindi ko maintindihan eh. Maraming naapektuhan sa mga sinasabi at ginagawa ko sa tuwing ganito ako. Kaya nga nagpapasalamat na lang talaga ako sa mga taong kinakapitan ko sa tuwing napagdadaanan ko to. Mahirap! pero sabi nga ng kaibigan ko

“Kakayanin mo! Minsan ang sagot sa problema ay ang hindi pagiisip ng sagot.”

 

Siguro nga. Tama siya! Hindi ko man malaman kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Marahil may mga bagay akong dapat gawin instead of isipin ko kung “bakit”.

I have different weathers inside me and only few can handle it. I wonder how they do it. I’m an open book yet only few can comprehend. I’m writing this to release my emotions cause others are listening but only few are paying attention.

To those eyes who are on me, hold me cause I’m drowning. There is a battles rages in me. That even if you pour love and joy it still wrestle with heartache and pain. How do I explain it? Even I cannot, cause the battle is within me. The struggle is surreal.

Never be Shaken

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Never be Shaken

I grew up on a Christian home where God and church is the center of our family. I was active and participated on most of the activities at church. Yes I was happy doing it ’cause I believe its worth the price.

I am not an exception to storms and floods in life. I was 14 when I started to question my faith and the God I serve. I’ve been going around metro attending various churches and life groups. Trying to figure out which door to enter and which word to listen. It’s a real struggle and temptation. There was a time where I even turned my back on the God I know. Sinful and Shameless. I know it is all wrong yet I still continue it.

Others tried to help but the battle is within me. I’m drowning but God hold my hand and carried me back to where I should be. I witness a real miracle. I felt his unconditional love. That’s where I started to let him stay in my heart and never let him go. After that, I found joy and peace that overflows in my life. It is, indeed really good. After all the spiritual battles I’ve been,  I began to motivate myself and let my faith on fire as I repay the price he paid.

However, I never thought I would feel the same thing again. Right now, I am confused and wavering. I started to question him again “Why?”.  The church of God that I know seems putting out the flame of my faith. Church goers are being subjective, discriminating and insensitive. Leaders are authoritative and being self righteous. I don’t seem to understand this reality that I am seeing and experiencing. The last time I check that my faith is falling apart again and that I feel people are crushing me to bits.

It’s frustrating and depressing. I tried to seek help, search online, talked to someone regarding this. I just then realize and reminded that I should not be focusing to people yet instead focus on God and his works. When God said forgive seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22) he also gives us the possibility of getting hurt and offended inside the church. People at church are also imperfect. If we focus our worship on them and their wrong doings we also doubt the goodness of our God. As I read this text; “God is better than the community of God . God will be there when the community of God lets you down. Part of keeping the community real is a focus on Jesus with that supreme value.” Right then, I contemplated on why am I too focus on people and their works. I know we cannot avoid it, we cannot ignore them and we cannot stop looking at them cause I believe sometimes the community of God also gives us more reason to serve him.  But with my battle scars and rough spiritual journey I believe and hopeful that this broken community would just lead me to a better worship place.

There are times where I over think and under think my christian life. My spiritual life lies between Me and God. These people I meet are given to test and guide me to strengthen my faith in him. Yes, It is possible to see God on the wrong worship place if we will not allow our faith to be shaken. I pray that it will be just a season who will pass and change. For I believe, these too shall pass.

“I count everything as loss” — including the community of heaven, if I have to — “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.”- Philippians 3:8

Come to think again. Are we shaking someone’s faith right now? or Are we the reason of the stillness on someone’s faith? May we reflect on our actions and words in the community of God. Let us continue to focus on him amidst life’s celebrations and uncertainties. May we give back the praise and glory to him, only to HIM.

All alone

He is the reason why I’ll never be shaken. 

“My Soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation. He is my fortress and I will never be shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2

Girl in the Mirror

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I was browsing on a website and came across this quotes; “Don’t kill people with kindness because not everyone deserves your kindness. Kill people with silence because not everyone deserves your attention.”

I do believe that we meet people for a reason which either make us or break us. I’ve met a lot of people in my life, some really tends to break me in to pieces. I just couldn’t imagine why I allow them to break me. Definitely, I was hurt. Because sometimes we give our trust to people, we invest time and care  to the extent that we are willing to give everything for them. Of course it’s not right but I just did because I thought I can trust them. One thing I really want to work on is not to be CARELESS to people who CARE LESS. I tried many times, but every time they ask for help I just couldn’t bother to help them. But when they do not need anything from me they just disappear out of the blue. I just discovered that they call it SEASONAL FRIENDS. But how come they exist? how come they just don’t care on other people’s feelings? Apparently, since it happened to me, they do exist and they don’t care at all. But the reason why they are doing it is still unknown.

Funny how life gives me a lot of reason to think, to reflect and to look at my self in the mirror. But amidst the chaos, first thing I do is to reflect on my actions. I always ask the questions; Do I deserve such conflict/s?, What did I do wrong to feel this way? Why did I allow these things to happen?. This questions always put me on the loosing end, saying sorry even it’s not my fault and being scared to fight on my rights cause I know I’ll never win. Other people may take advantage of it though sometimes I tried to overturn things and do it my way but I always ended up following other people decisions. Most people working abroad use to have this kind of feeling and scenarios. We tend to trust people but always ends up hurting and being betrayed by our own countrymen. Situations may not be perfect and in favor of us, but it is our humane responsibility to reflect on our actions and thoughts. Caring too much is never  a bad thing but trusting does.

Isn’t it satisfying looking ourselves at the mirror and reflect on what we do. Everyday we must keep on reminding ourselves that we don’t deserve to be treated with unfairness, cause sometimes we also have to keep in mind that there are shitty humans and we should stop seeing the good that isn’t there. It’s the truth. As we encounter such shitty people we just need to ignore and shut our mouth cause wasting our time trusting and caring for them is like buying your favorite barbie with a broken legs, useless and worthless. Let us remember to focus on people who shows interest and value you as a person regardless of time and distance because caring people hears us even we never said any word.

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This girl in the mirror always see the scars and marks that other people leave. How do we fix her? Let’s look at the mirror in all view. Let’s remind her that she is valuable in the eyes of someone who values her. So better stop wasting on people who never see that beauty. Let us learn to reflect and see our worth, cause up there knows how precious you are even without the mirror.

Valuing the Valuable

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Valuing the Valuable

Let’s try to look back on the last year.

Did everything went according to your plan?  Did you use your time wisely or you just waste it on something worthless? Have you blessed someone this year or did you led someone astray? Have you forgiven someone or did someone still haven’t forgiven you?

Throughout the year, my life was in a roller coaster ride of decision makings and learning. Most of the days its too much to handle which leads me to question God’s plan for me. But as I look further throughout the past years, nothing compares the love of God during 2017. Though some things didn’t work well but honestly, 2017 is a gleaming year for me, the feeling of freedom, independence, confidence and tenacious. I made a lot of mistakes in life but it didn’t stop me from trying to reach my goals in life. I was down, depressed and broken, but it didn’t end there, I fight the fathomless of life and make the better version of me.

In the middle of the dreariness of life, I learned to value people, time and obstacles. Every single time they have given and every dollar I spent became important and valuable. I learned even I feel hopeless, burnout and bored at work, I still ought to continue pursuing what I have started, ’cause only I could help myself. I learned to understand the people I meet everyday and forgive those who hurt me. I learned to be humble by saying sorry if I made something wrong or saying I don’t know even though I know it all. I learned to patiently wait for the queue even I am late at work or I am hungry. I learned to filter people and cling to those who will lift me up rather than take advantage of me. It all happened at 2017.

For the past years, I keep on looking at other people’s success and questioning my capabilities on How? Why? and What did I do with my life till now. Looking at colleagues who are happily married and have their families, colleagues who traveled more than 5 country and colleagues who are pursuing their upgraded academic status.  It’s such a chaos looking back and comparing my life with others but this 2017, I started to stand up and build my own dreams. I did my best to make things possible and to chase after them.  I believe that my season is just starting  to rekindle my faith and make the most of my life. Good things always comes to those who wait.

I’m now making the new version of me, what’s good is, I’m now setting my heavenly goals rather than early things. Valuing what is unseen and believing that everyday someone is working behind the scenes to align things with his plan. Everyday, I feel loved, overjoyed and inspired to make the better me with God’s guidance and blessing. My empty cup is now filled with happiness and satisfaction. It’s unbelievable! but I’m a witness of the great things he can do to make you new and whole.

As I welcome 2018, I am looking forward for more challenges, more problems, more uncertainties which will make me become braver and bolder as the years come by.  To more witnessing and spiritual blessings this year. Let’s focus on the “Happy” this year rather than desiring the “New” this 2018.

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When God Redirects the Sail

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When God Redirects the Sail

Have you ever make a U-turn though you almost reach your destination? and Have you ever felt contented and relieved after all your efforts gone to waste?

Looking back before graduating my degree, I’ve been dreaming of working in a high paying school where I can buy my own car, house and providing stuff for my family. Well,  who wouldn’t want to dream to have a better life after the sleepless nights of group thesis and never ending demonstration teaching. After graduation, I was hired and fulfilled my profession. I thought it’s just a play and just enjoy the career that I chose. Until I met a man that would change everything.

I told myself to guard my heart and secure it. Clueless and innocently fell in love with him without knowing his motives. He flirt with all our conversations and showed me his sincerity as a man. I was in cloud nine and thought that maybe he feels the same. Caught in the middle of the happiness, I honestly didn’t know that she loves someone else. Little did I realized that the man putting on a surprised on my co teacher is him. Heartbroken and in denial, I told myself to stop, though we still have the communication, I remained clueless on everything. Until we went out together every after work then the next time I remembered we two are together. Everybody was so shocked on the turnabout of the story, everybody asked “Hey! Why you?, I thought?” I myself also not sure on what happened cause as far as I know I’m happy. Everyday I asked him “Why me?” which I know from the start he is not into me. He then told me once “Never ask why, cause you’re the one I need” I thought I need to trust him though I was still in doubt. We still make the relationship where doubts and trust are always the options.

Days, month and years have passed. We surpassed big storms and celebrated small events. Simple but surreal. It was like a dream having him. We’ve been planning for the future, taking one step a time and trying to overcome the challenges comes our way. We both hired on our dream schools and make simply dreams into reality. He began famous, unreachable and untouchable. I was caught unaware on this simple things as he moves forward but then I realized I was left behind. He’s already chasing his dreams alone and making plans on his own while our plan just vanished as a dream.

I was shaken on the reality that my own dreams were shattered, my own plans were wasted, and even asked “Nasaan ako sa pangarap mo?”. But I talked to the man above and said “Lord, Allow me to unloved him.” I was praying really hard to stop the love I’m giving. It was unfair. I was giving too much and receiving none. Everything was about him, what he wants he will get, and if I tried to argue he’ll tell me “We’re over”. . I knew he was a narcissist from the start but since I love him I ignored. It was a very unhealthy relationship for us. I’m not happy anymore I believe he also feels the same.

I cried to the Lord, “Lord it’s time to stop, I really don’t deserve the pain he is causing me.” Until we decided to end our 3 years relationship. We tried to end it with a friendship but it’s just couldn’t work. I’ll be okay, I’m just in denial even asked him not to have another relationship which he did promise. But after telling me  “Sana hindi na lang kasi ikaw”, “Di naman talaga kita minahal”, “Awa lang naramdaman ko.”.  I know I am waiting for this to happen by it hurts like damn hell. I’m not expecting this ungrateful words from him. One or two months after our breakup I heard he is already in a relationship and happy.

I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to slap them back and forth, I want to confront them but set back ’cause I know my worth. I decided to fly and work overseas to move on, to forget everything and to learn to love myself. My mistake, I allowed him to destroy me. It was my mistake that I assumed that it was love though it was just “Lust”. Yes, It’s my mistake that gave my all and left nothing for me. It was just all my mistake.

I cried to the Lord “Why?” he answered;

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Finally Yes!, He rescued me from the misery I am keeping. Others thought I’m happy but deep inside I am broken. . I learned to depend on my own and learned to stay still amidst life waves and saltiness.  Sometimes God allows us to be heartbroken to let us know that our life will be in dead end if we choose to settle with them. These experiences is God’s way to tell us that we are going to the wrong direction and he has his ways to redirect it. I contemplated on his words “The pain that you’re feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming” Romans 8:18. For the months I felt depressed, I never regret everything.  Thanks to him, I finally know my worth and gained more self-respect. Some people look up on how brave I am for overcoming this trials but I know I didn’t do this alone. The God I know is in control of everything and is with me throughout this journey.

Time will heal the wounds, time forgives and I know time will come that God will make the pieces whole again. Now the water is still and God redirects it, all he ask me is to follow where he wants to lead me.  I stumble and fall yet he still pick me up ’cause in his eyes I’m worth it. Though I am not worthy he still lead me to higher rocks. My dreams become bigger, my plans become reachable, my future become brighter and everything is in order. I also become bolder, braver and better. Now I’m sailing back to where I should be. How can I resist such grace?